..regretting every single moments that's passing

...and so just now I realize the reason for me being such a pain-in-the-ass for my friends..(damn sorry if that's true). I don't like whatever I'm doing now.. and seriously regretting everything I had made before..

I regret leaving Matriculation program and entered the teaching course 'cause teaching is not my passion..infact I had never dream of being a teacher, not even to mention about it even if I'm joking..

If you honestly HATE what you're doing, sure enough you'll hate everything surrounding it..trust me in that..Sometimes I tend to hate everything I did such as learning (sometimes yeah, i like it though), going to classes (lucky enough I'm trained to follow orders, like robots (-.-"), even my friends.. sorry to say if any of you guys read this post, but frankly sometimes I acted like an ass because I hate being here..

All these time, I tried my best to convince myself that this is my destiny and I can't change it..just need to go with the flow..but for someone like me, it's so damn hard to lie to yourself..Telling myself that someday I'll enjoy being here is such a lie..I'm not sure myself if this will change after maybe like 2 or 3 years being here but seriously now, I feel like I'm in hell (hell is worst, i know..). I hate it here and I'm still wondering what it the actual reason for me to feel this way..

And the only thing I could think of is that this is not how I'm supposed to turn out to be..I hate teaching, I hate going to school, I hate talking, I hate books..and that's all I will ever do for my entire life (until I retire of course..).. I need adventures because I get bored easily..

Looking at the same faces, going over the same routine..god..I'm not sure if I could survive that..I can't even read the same book twice if I'm not into it..I need something that is out of the ususal..Being a teacher means you have to deal with the same fucking shit every single day of your life..Kids, books, colleagues, schools..

And even now, it's so hard for me to be myself because I need to be with the same people for more than 4 years..God knows how hard it is for me..For an instance, if I'm angry with someone, I can't just say it out loud (although sometimes I did express it..) because it might result in a very not-good relationship, as I would say.. I don't feel like home. I don't feel the connection with anything here..

Exams are of greater deals..I don't study much or should I say at all because I'm not interested..My heart isn't there for all this stuff..this of course, effects my result. I never study hard enough to know my own ability..

But when I'm helping my mom with her work, I enjoyed it.. She deals with different people everyday and that's what I want..the only problem is that I'm wearing spectacles or else I wouldn't be here by now.. It's like I'm forced to do something because of the allowance and also the reality that being a school teacher isn't much a fuss.. plus the fact that my mom kept on saying "What a waste that you wore spectacles or else you could've joined the team. Being a school teacher means you're dealing with absolutely nothing in your life". And guess what..I found that it's so true..

..no new things to tell other people of what we had done today..yeah frankly I enjoyed being with kids but not as their 'teaching-teacher'..I just want to be their teacher, to get to know them not in the way of educational..but personally..and it's hard to do that these days because teachers aren't allowed to do more that just teaching as parents sometimes take things the wrong way..

And again..to keep my heart at ease, I planned to finish my study and become a primary school teacher. Then I'll further my study in psychology (children psychology, to be precise, as people said it's related to education..at least I'm not banned from being a teacher though..). Then if possible, I'll look for another job, maybe as a psychologist..haha..but all depends on the salary of course..If being a teacher with a master degree pay off better than being a psychologist, I'll stick to being a teacher then..

..Sekian saja bebelan dari saya yang entah ke mana grammar ny..segala benda lintang pukang..semuanya sebab terlaltu excited nak bagitau kata kami xsuka jadi cikgu!!! T__T ignore the grammatical error, please.